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Trauma-Rama! Embarrassing Stories from Your Favorite YA Characters

2013 April 29
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embarrassing

by Flickr user mloberg

April is National Letter Writing Month … and National Humor Month. We’ve combined the two to commemorate one of the most sacred teen traditions: embarrassing stories!

Do you ever feel like you’re the only one who’s peed their pants in front of the cutest girl in school? Think again. These embarrassing stories will make her laugh so hard that she’ll pee her pants in front of you! YA characters may seem airbrushed and perfect on the book cover, but beneath that glossy jacket they’re just like you and me. Take a look for yourself … and see if you can guess their true identities. (Check out the key at the bottom for the answers.)

Dear Hub,

Do you ever feel like the world is mocking you? I do. My mother had been making me go to this atrocious cancer-kids support group, which I barely get through by rolling my eyes along with the only other decently cool kid there. Then Isaac (decently cool kid) breaks the first rule of support group by bringing a non-dying friend with him. Fine. I can handle that. Even if the friend is super hot and I look like a terrible balloon head and have a ridiculous oxygen tank in tow. But then the guy spends the entire time staring at me. And I mean hard-core staring. Do I have something on my shirt? Teeth? Is it Phillip?

– Imperially Afflicted in Indianapolis

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Dear Hub,

There are about a million worse things out there that could kill me, but I just might end up dying of embarrassment. It all started when I volunteered to go on this awful reality show (it was a last resort, I assure you). Since I was stuck on it, I figured I might as well win — especially since losing would mean dying. But I never thought that winning would mean I would have to kiss a guy on live TV! And what’s worse is that I know the guy back home that I have a crush on was watching … I mean, it’s mandatory viewing. He had to have seen. How can I prove to him (and myself) that it didn’t mean anything??

– Panicked in Panem

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Dearest Hub,

I am loathe to confess this to you, but it has been burning a hole in my heart, and I have to tell someone. When I was eight years old, a distant cousin came so visit us at the castle. He was a disgusting man, always leering at the women. So when he went to put his hand on my thigh, I struck at him. I was just trying to get him to leave me alone! But when I hit his nose, it crushed his skull, and there was blood everywhere! Even worse, the whole castle saw, and now no one wants to come near me. I know I’ll never live this down. I’ll be known as the Lady Killer forever!

Yours,

– Distressed in the Middluns

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Dear Hub,

I know that a lot of girls lose their heads, but I’m the only girl I know who only has a head! This causes a great deal of embarrassment in social situations. Mostly social situations with guys. Girls don’t seem to notice so much — probably because I have blonde hair. Obviously guys think I’m cute. But they don’t ask me out so much. Maybe I have bad breath? Sometimes I think I might as well be invisible. Please advise.

– Head Full of Heartache

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Dear Hub,

My reputation is all that I have, and now I’m worried that I’ll never get it back! Everyone knows that I’m one of the best scavengers around. You leave me alone with one good boat, and I’ll slit throats to get it stripped down. But the moment I come across the find of a lifetime — a clipper ship fitted to the teeth and almost all the crew already dead — I have to go and grow a conscience and save the girl instead. What was I thinking?? I’ll never be able to show my face without getting jumped again.

– Bewildered at the Beach

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Dear Hub,

A tumble out of a carriage I could handle, but to fall at the feet of a dashing tosher — and me with a purse full of nothing but troubles — is more than I can bear. Now here I am, a perfectly independent woman, stuck in the home of a high-society family that believes me to be a fallen woman and would return me to the clutches of my dastardly husband at the first opportunity. I know there has to be a way out of this muck, but what’s a poor girl to do?

Cheers,

– Not So Simple in London

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Dear Hub,

How much embarrassment can one girl bear? First, I have to go and get knocked up by Cole in my junior year of high school. Then, my father sends me off to school in a spaceship with a bunch of other pregnant teens because it’s “best for the baby.” And if that’s not bad enough, I get on the ship only to discover that Cole’s girlfriend is on the ship, too! I was about to die when I saw her … until I almost did die when Cole showed up on the ship with a troop of aliens and killed all my teachers! What do I do? I need to get off this ship!

SOS!

– Pregnant and Panicked in Space

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Dear Hub,

I’ll never be able to show my face in school again! I know I shouldn’t have let Amber and her friends get to me by calling me Typhoid Mary, but I just couldn’t take their taunts anymore. I finally lost control in gym class — and I caused the wooden floor and bleachers to turn black and green and rot away. I’m so embarrassed, and it doesn’t help that everyone, even my parents, are terrified of me now.

Yours,

– Dangerous Freak

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Dear Hub,

You know those bad dreams people joke about where they go to school in their underwear? Well, I can up the ante on that one. It was bad enough when people looked at me and only saw my shady family history. Now when they look at me they’ll only remember me standing at the edge of my dorm roof … in my underwear. I swear I was under a curse, but of course everyone thinks that I was trying to kill myself. You can bet I’m never sleeping in just my boxer shorts again.

– Cursed and Confused

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Dear Hub,

It’s not easy being the “chosen one,” especially when you’re the awkward, overweight younger sister of the most beautiful and poised princess in the kingdom. I thought that getting married would make things better — I mean, my husband is hotter, richer, and has a bigger kingdom than my family. But now that I’m at his castle, he won’t even look at me! No one knows we’re married, and I think he might be having an affair with someone else in the castle. I’m so embarrassed that I don’t even want to leave my room — and I’m the queen of the castle!

– Navel Gazing in Oravalle

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Answer Key

  • Imperially Afflicted in Indianapolis is … Hazel from The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
  • Panicked in Panem is … Katniss from The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
  • Distressed in the Middluns is … Katsa from Graceling by Kristin Cashore
  • Head Full of Heartache is … Brooke from Hold Me Closer, Necromancer by Lish McBride
  • Bewildered on the Beach is … Nailer from Ship Breaker by Paolo Bacigalupi
  • Not So Simple in London is … Simplicity from Dodger by Terry Pratchett
  • Pregnant and Panicked in Space is … Elvie Nara from Mothership by Martin Leicht and Isla Neal
  • Dangerous Freak is … Elizabeth Miller from Beautiful Decay by Sylvia Lewis
  • Cursed and Confused is … Cassel from White Cat by Holly Black
  • Navel Gazing in Oravalle is … Elisa from The Girl of Fire and Thorns by Rae Carson

— Annie Schutte, currently reading Seraphina by Rachel Hartman

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One Response
  1. May 4, 2013

    hahaha these are great!

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